Expectations of parenthood

I'd worked right up until two days before my due date and I was really busy with work and I was very much focused on that and I had expected that, yeah, baby would just naturally fit in with what was going on around me. So I would be able to continue to go to cafes and enjoy a social life albeit knowing that it was going to be restricted a little bit but I had assumed that, yeah, life would be sort of my husband and I plus a baby and that we would just continue to do the things that we'd always done.

But in fact the world just narrowed in and narrowed down to the house and just those people immediately around and once you've had the visitors and friends come and see the baby, most of them had gone back to work for me and so it wasn't until I went to a mothers group and actually met a group of women who were not working all the time that I actually found a network of people again.

But, in terms of my expectations I think it was really just that - I had no idea how life- changing it would be, I really didn't. You hear people say, "Oh your life will change forever", and you take that on board. I was sort of like, 'Oh, yeah, yeah, of course it will', and I've had other big changes in my life, but this one is outside your control I think is the difference - is the baby is the priority whereas other times you're able to sort of prioritise, you have more control over it. I have control over the things that happen at work, I'm able to influence them, but with a baby, it's their way, it's not your way.

I had no idea because I was the youngest child and I'd never spent any time with any other kids. The only time I'd spent time with kids they were crying and being a pain in the arse. And the way that parents seemed to deal with it was to remove the kids from the situation and I didn't really see what was going on and I would have probably held a child maybe a couple of times, because none of my friends had kids. My sisters had kids but I didn't live in the same country as them. I didn't really have any experience of what it was going to be like so I didn't really know.

On the other hand, my wife was the oldest of six kids and she seems to have spent a significant part of her childhood helping raise her family with her parents. So she had an understanding of what it was like. I think that her approach to raising her kids is different to the approach that her parents had. So I don't know what my expectation of it was. I just remember it feeling overwhelming and often more than I could handle.

Well, I did get before my son was born that my life was going to change drastically. But I think I probably imagined perhaps that - well I didn't know what my, I guess I didn't foresee that most of the grandparents would take the stance they did. I didn't foresee that I would actually find it such a struggle with my energy levels or my mood as I did. And I didn't foresee even that the one grandparent who was involved would be involved to the relatively limited extent that she has been. So that's all been a pretty massive a bunch of things to have to come to terms with emotionally and then just - like deal with it practically [laughs]. So I think you know, I sort of got over most of the having to deal with it emotionally and just accept that that's how things are and then work with - only then were we really able to get to the point of getting over that this is not fair and actually putting other things in place instead - that are, like alternative systems really.

Well I think that I always thought I'd have a beautiful baby, of course I would, and she'd be really cute. Blonde probably. My baby has bright red hair. I don't know where that comes from. Neither myself nor the donor, bio-dad, he doesn't have red hair, no idea, and so I felt my [laughing] blond baby would come with me to the café and I'd pop her in the pram and we'd walk up to the café and I'd sit there and stare lovingly into her eyes and people would say, "Oh, she's gorgeous", and I'd be like "Oh, motherhood's wonderful". And I'd come home and I'd drop off sort of a kilo a week and before I knew it I'd be back into my old clothes and I'd be running again and I'd be doing the sport that I used to do and she would cry a bit at night and I might be a bit tired but my life would essentially be the same with a baby. No.

The reality was I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't run still. I'm a workaholic, I run my own business, I couldn't work. I was working up until my water's broke, I had no time off before I had the baby which was stupid but I was working on a huge project.

So the reality was I had absolutely no self-esteem, I felt like I'd failed because the labour was such a disaster even though I know it wasn't my fault. It wasn't the pain killers, it was that it was so traumatic and I lost my shit. I lost my decorum if that's even the right word. I was a screaming mess.

And that's how I felt about the situation is that I had done a bad job of labour and a bad job of birthing and a bad job of pregnancy. And so it just followed that I thought that I'd do a bad job of mothering and I did do a bad job of mothering in the beginning because I was angry.

I had a lot of experience with babies when I was in my early - late teens, early 20s, so, I knew quite a lot. And my mum works - has worked - she raised seven children and worked in early childhood for 30 years.

I took one or two really good reference books, just to look things up, but I felt fairly confident about looking after her, which I think is - was a good thing. I knew how to feed a newborn and change nappies and all that kind of stuff.

It's been more relentless than I thought it would be [laughs]. I mean, it's amazing, it's incredible, just, you know, to watch your own child grow and develop and change and, you know, see certain physical or other characteristics develop that are similar to your own, or to someone else in your family. It's really rewarding. It's amazing. It's hilarious. It's frustrating [laughs] as well. It's tiring.

I think there was a time when unrealistic expectations of what's normal baby behaviour was set and there's still a lot of hangovers from that, like people that I have spoken to that genuinely believe babies should be sleeping through the night from 6 months of age, that sort of thing. It is just completely unrealistic and I think just sets people up for failure. And sets people up for thinking that they have got a problem or there is something wrong with their baby or there is something wrong with them and what they are dealing with is just normal parent child behaviour and, you know, they have just got to find ways of coping with it.

And the things that value is placed on, like sleeping and that sort of thing, they're just so controversial and such a minefield. And my opinion like the things that are viewed as, you know - like if a baby's good, they're just unrealistic. I wish people placed value on different things, like how many times does your baby smile, or how do you feel as a parent and that sort of thing rather than does she sleep through the night.

It's like creating problems when they don't even exist. If the mother and the baby are happy with the number of times they feed and sleep and all of that, then why is there a problem? Like just because society says there should be a problem. It just puts unneeded pressure on the situation.

And then I don't know if it's the character of my first child or if it was me as a mother, but I found I was quite stressed and ... I can't think of the right word. I found the company - well something about having a baby, a tiny baby it's quite boring, and it's just something about little children actually, it's the days can be quite boring. As much as you love them, you can't really do anything else. You can't really check your emails and you can barely drink a hot, cup of tea or a cup of tea while it's still hot, and I was very strict on television and that type of thing. I set myself ridiculous goals. My expectations were way too hard. I wanted to be a kind of a perfect mother. I had an image of me sort of spending hours in the sandpit and enjoying every second of it, and I didn't. I did spend hours in the sandpit, but I was bored [laughs]. You know, and I remember Thomas - Thomas the Tank Engine. I remember our first child was allowed one Thomas and they last about 10 minutes, you know, it's barely enough time to have a shower or make a sandwich and that's the other thing.

My expectations were very much, just all in, if you know what I mean? That's the way my mum parented, she was all in. It was all about her children, and I knew that, so I knew that I would probably be the same, so my expectations of parenthood was going to be completely life changing. That my whole focus was going to be this person, -and largely forget about my own personal needs. And I'm starting, now, to realise that that's not healthy. It's not healthy for me, it might be healthy for some mums and that's great, but for me, I need a little bit of time, where I can feel valuable in other ways, either working at my jobs, or just looking after myself, going for a walk, doing a bit of exercise, that kind of thing.

I think for me, I need to feel valuable in other ways as well. Yeah, so my expectations were to be completely life changing and it was, [laughs] - I was all in but now I think I'm mature enough, being 35 now, to realise that it's probably - mental health wise, it's probably not the best way to do things. That you do need to have your own ambitions that are not - you shouldn't live your life through - well, I feel that I shouldn't live my life through my children. I need to have my own ambitions and feel valuable in other ways, as well.

When my husband took three weeks of parental leave we were absolutely a team. Because I felt we shared a lot of it 50-50. And we learnt from each other. And we exchanged our tips and tricks we discovered when it comes to what I call baby management. But it was when he went back to work and I was the primary carer that the discrepancies happened.

That I would suggest he handles her this way or I would advise him that in this situation. I would hold her differently. He didn't like to hear that and I wish someone had warned me not to give the man an advice. I wish someone gave me that advice beforehand. Let him work it out because that created arguments in those weeks that were so fresh and rare. Now I try to pull back and make very subtle suggestions that maybe just sound like I'm sharing what I've learnt. But I know that pushed his buttons and now I know that but nobody warned me. And no other couple that we know ever disclosed to us that having a newborn in the house created arguments.

So I expected pressure, I expected tiredness. Maybe some grumpiness but I didn't expect we would shout at each other. And it doesn't happen often but when it does you feel like you are the loneliest mother in the world because your partner is your best friend. He's the only other person you've got in your house that can help you physically with the baby. And that energy's not healthy for a baby either. It's making the mum feel like she's failing to maintain a composure.

And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to make it better. All I know is that the tiredness makes me act certain way. I am trying to acknowledge it when I talk to my husband but he gets grumpy too. He gets tired and becomes grumpy and the way we start talking to each other, it becomes like a Hollywood movie where the couples just can't stand each other anymore. And though they love each other and love the baby they lost the way to communicate with each other. Because he comes home, he opens the door and everything revolves around, 'Is the baby fed? Is it quiet in the house? What do we do? Do we tip toe? Do we have even a chance to have a dinner together?' And that was a new discovery for us.

I've spoken to other new mums and I think lots of new mums talk about it and I think for my partner and I at the start it was very balanced because he was at home.

And he knew everything about how to look after our son, how to get him to sleep and we were in it and we really were in it together. I think as time has gone on, it's different for us - the balance has shifted because I've started studying as well, so my partner's the main breadwinner and previously - whenever we were in [country name] I was earning more money than my partner at the time and so that meant that things have always been really balanced for us I think.

And we were both always just you know, like lots of couples now - we're both working and bringing in money, and then whenever I decided to study that's made a difference in our relationship because, [partner's name] is supporting me you know, to do that. I'm working myself, but as well as much as I can but my priorities have to be [son's name] first off and studying second and work third.

For my partner work is the first priority so as time went on and [partner's name] started getting back to doing more work and freelancing, he's very busy even then you know, working nights and working weekends as well, so things gradually started getting back to - well not back but started to you know, I'm the primary carer for the baby and there have been times whenever that's been really marked and I've been unhappy about that because whenever it gets to the point where we've got a weekend and we're sharing the care, for [son's name] I'm in control - like I know what he's having for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I've got things in the freezer, I've made it, and it started to annoy me whenever I'd leave [son's name] with [partner's name] for a few hours, I get the phone call to say there's no dinner for him, well go make him some dinner, you know. And that was such a change from the start of parenthood together and [partner's name] has to ask much more - many more questions. And at this point it's a challenge because [partner's name] is so busy with work that I can't expect him to whenever he's got his time off to be 100 per cent devoted to the care of the baby. And I do have to take it up myself 'cause he's been busy but then I'm busy as well, and because he's busy makes me busy 'cause I've got [son's name] all by myself.

If we're at my partner's mum's house, [partner's name] mum and I take control of [son's name], [partner's name] sits back and watches the football and we take control, it's our son's dinner time, so we get it all organised and everything and that's not good at the minute - he lets us get on with it. But then that's partly me, I should be saying to him, get up off your lazy ass and come and help us [laughs]. I don't want to say that because he's been busy all week and he hasn't got a lazy ass [laughs].

I think that's a really different role and I think it's usually women who end up being the primary caregiver and who take control. I mean, you want to have control of your baby like you do - I want to know what he's eating, if I'm away from him for a couple of hours I want to know how many nappies have been changed and what he's ate, or how he got to sleep, how long it took him to get to sleep and my partner doesn't have that, he doesn't need to know all that because I'm in control but I think we need to probably share it a bit more.