Becoming a parent – impact on identity and close relationships

Kind of like a bomb going off. But that would depend on your relationship, I suppose. We had been together for ten years. And it was sort of almost like starting again, figuring it out. Yeah, that was - it was really hard. But I imagine that it's not that hard for everybody [laughs]. But I did spend a lot of the time just thinking, 'Oh how do people do this?' But I don't know, some people, their relationships have a different dynamic and it's fine. They just took it in their stride. But we found it very, very hard.

And probably my partner was much more - he had knowledge of sort of parenting philosophies and things like that. He'd read quite a bit about it many years ago. And I had nothing. I had no idea. I have still not really - I have just really followed how I felt. I didn't know for ages that there was people that did stuff how I do stuff. And now I know.

But I'd say that that probably has a lot to do with it. I think in a lot of cases, maybe the guy will let the mother take the front seat, they'll stay in the background, and let the mother do the mothering, whereas that was a real struggle in our relationship, I think, because he wanted to be so involved, which of course, is fine. But when you're feeling under-confident and things like that, it was very easy for me to lose myself and just go, "Okay" [laughs], and hand things over.

I know that there's programmes that you can go to for counselling before the baby's born. I think it's called 'the preconception conversation' or something. I heard about it, and I was thinking, 'Oh, that's ridiculous'. And I think maybe that would be useful, but I think trying to understand the kind of absolutely different path your life is going to take after you have a kid. You just, you can't ever communicate it. You just can't. So all you can hope for is that you can travel it together and support each other I suppose.

From the very early weeks I came here I subscribed to a women's magazine. That women's magazine really helped me. I read the stories of partners, husbands and wives in Australia and how they managed to solve their problems, how it was important for them to have their relationship, their partner relationship and then to be, I don't know, a mum or a dad.

You know what I mean? And I remember that the first picture I saw in that magazine was a picture of a couple at the age of 70, I guess, 70 or 75. They were cuddling each other, they were smiling, very happy, both very stylish and very good looking. And I don't know exactly their life story, but their picture is still in my mind, at the age of 75 they were amazing. So, little by little, I learn to manage the problem, little by little I learn if, okay, if my husband doesn't know, I can teach him.

If my husband doesn't know how to be a good father and a good husband at the same time. Now I think it was very difficult for him to be perfect in both roles, you know, to be a father is a different role, to be a husband is a very different role too.

So, I think at that stage he didn't know and he didn't have a good teacher. Like me, I didn't know how to be a good mum, how to be a good wife, how to be a good teacher, how to be a good student, so I was surrounded with all different roles. And I said, 'Okay, now maybe it's better for me to teach him', and step by step I started teaching him. At first he was very resistant to listen to what I said. He was like, "No, I'm okay, I know that there's nothing wrong. No, no, no, you are making mistake. No, no, your expectation is too high". Do you know what I mean? But I can say after seven or eight months, little by little I found that, 'Yes, I'm getting some positive outcome, some positive feedback'.

After seven or eight months, he knew that, yes, as a husband he has some roles to, he is not purely a father, he is a husband too. Now, after four years, everything is fully settled I can say - but the first sight of those settlements happened after almost a year and a half. It took me a year and a half to come to very positive outcomes and feedbacks from my husband. After a year and a half he knew that on top of everything he must be a very good husband too, then a very good father or a very good student.

I remember very early on, I think my son might have been three days old and my then husband wanted to go and have beers with his mates to celebrate and I knew quite well how that was going to end. So I said, "Why don't you go have beers and I'll bring him down and they can sight him?" - and I remember having a rip roaring argument because he said, "Oh you don't trust me".

It was like, 'No, a three day old baby doesn't need to hang out in a pub', plus I was just getting the hang of breastfeeding. This is a really concrete example and it's a really good one where it's just like, 'No it's not just about the son. It's actually about me needing to bond with him, and you know, I haven't done this before. I've got no idea what's going on. You're not taking this baby out for four hours to a pub', which could have well happened and we just had this rip roaring argument because he was insisting.

That was a really awful moment where I was like, 'Something is just not right. He's not really realising that it's not about him anymore', and I think that's the thing with having kids that actually - your spouse can say and act however, but when the child comes it has to be about the child.

I think it took having a child to see how selfish, how focused he was on him. There was another [incident], this was about a week after my son was born and his new boss was in town, and we had a two bedroom apartment which was small. It was a big city and typical apartment living and his new boss came with his wife and two sons who were later diagnosed with autism, they were eight and 10 I think and they stayed for four hours.

And I remember having to make the house spotless because the boss was coming, which was not even someone he was close to, it was purely work related, this is what I need to do to make the right impression. And by the third hour of these kids screaming around, jumping up and down off the couches, throwing things, I can't even describe, I just remembered thinking, 'I know I'm being hormonal but I am so fragile right now. I have just had my vagina ripped from front to back and I am in pain and I am trying to work this all out and I'm exhausted'.

And just there was no regard and so - those two examples were in the first week and it just went on like that. I think it was definitely there before but it was manageable when it was just me but when it came to having a little person, I think there was an element of him becoming more focused on himself because he just couldn't cope with not being all about him, but there was also an element of holding up a mirror. This child held up a mirror to what was definitely there before, just I couldn't see it or imagine the extent.

I suppose I thought too having a child that it was his child. Surely that would evoke the responses that he talked about having and the type of parenting that he described himself as exhibiting but it didn't.

It was definitely triggered by childbirth and I know from other mothers, I think that that's often a catalyst. It's that whole shift from, 'We're a couple and we can live in this fantasy world of we're having an adventure and we're doing all the lovey-dovey things', but you know you get pregnant and life isn't about that. You're not forever going for long walks and holding hands on the beach. It's actually about wiping bums and even when you're pregnant you know you're no longer the lithe sexy thing that you were. You're really attractive in other ways and I think a lot of other people would see it that way, but I think for a lot of men it's also really confronting and if they already have those sort of narcissistic tendencies I think they just became much more apparent.

But he wasn't also very good at hiding it. I think having a child, he couldn't be bothered anymore. He had me pregnant, what was I going to do? And he to a point was right. I think he was probably fairly surprised that I got away. I think he thought where we were, given my job, I would just stay because what else was I going to do but get away?

My relationship with my partner - can't say that we're perfect but I don't think any relationship's perfect. Like, we have our ups and downs and as people say we have our ups and downs more than we should. We - the way they've put it, we bicker like an old married couple. And probably about two nights ago we were just sitting there having a chat about it and we're like, 'We'd rather bicker and have arguments and it spices things up, rather than sitting there bored having the same old cup of tea every day, having the same old dinner every day, talking about the same old thing'.

But we're as strong as anything, it's just I don't know it's weird how we work.

Before we had our son, I think we were closer than anything, but after we had him it just got so stressful and we both looked for places to vent and her way to vent is to yell at me. And my way to vent is to just, I'll go off to the pub and I'll have a couple of drinks and then I'll come home. That's just my way to vent and I don't know, we sort of work around it. We've come to the conclusion that it's going to be like this for a couple more years and if we can get through that then we must get through anything.

Look, at the moment I think our relationship is - we think our relationship, and I know that we both think this - is on a fairly, we're just tacking along. There's no highs, there's a couple of lows, but we're just getting through the business of small children and a household and the juggle of both of us wanting to work, me working a little bit and him working more.

I would say I think we're both - well no, I don't think, I know - we're both prepared to hang around because we believe that there's a good bit coming.

There's a good, like it was, when we fell in love and for the years that we were together before we were married we knew each other very well, and I think that we sort of don't know each other as well anymore. Because every time we're together we're talking, we're interacting with the children, talking to or at the children and then when they're in bed we're often debriefing and counselling each other from whatever maelstrom happened before or we're talking about how much we love them and how sweet they are and how clever, or the opposite.

We very rarely get into the details of one another's other part of the day and our likes have been fractured.

But I think we both feel like this bit - it was certainly with the six-year-old we're at the point where, particularly if we have one of his friends over, we can talk for quite a long time, you know, and it's a little bit like we're meeting again.

And well look, we've discussed going separate ways in some of our angriest, most awful, dark moments where we're just so fed up with everything but we lash out at each other - which is probably quite good, better than lashing out at the kids - and the reality is that the only thing that sounds good to me about going separate ways is week on, week off with the kids, which is really, that's a naïve thing to say because it's so much more than that.

And I think that we know that we really don't want it to end and we know that being together is important for the children, and it's important for us and we came into this together and there's a sort of a tunnel and there's a bit of a light at the end and when the littlest one is a seven year old and that means the oldest one will be 10 they'll be doing more on the weekends with their friends and not us.

They won't require 24-hour company and assistance as they do at the moment, as they did at - it's much easier than when they were tiny babies and, so, I can see that there's a trajectory.

And so how do you think having a baby has impacted on your relationship with your partner?

It's been difficult. Having a baby, I know people go, "Oh you know I'm pregnant, but you know maybe it'll draw me and my partner together", and things like that. And I just think that when they say that, they're naïve, because when guys see babies they run, because they're not up for the commitment and responsibility.

Me and my partner have disagreements all the time, but we work it out. And we're not just in a relationship for my son. We're not just saying, 'All right so we'll act like we love each other for our son's sake'. We do it because we want to, and for our son, and to be a happy, healthy family.

But all relationships have fights and disagreements and if you don't you're not human, because obviously you're keeping everything in. You don't - there is never one person that likes everything about another person. You always find something that you aren't happy with, and the key to that is talking about it. Sit down with your partner and say, "Look I'm not happy with what you're doing. I'm not happy with who you see," or things like that.

But it's when people bottle it up all inside and then it just blows up, and it's chaotic and then it gets hard for the kids involved, because then they're one moment, mum or the dad's involved together, and then they're not, and they're separated. It makes a huge impact on children. So it's good to have a good relationship.

It is an interesting notion of what mothers are happy and willing to do for their baby. Because it's like part of your identity you have to give up. And I was afraid of it, I knew that I would have to change a little bit who I am. It is again the focus away from you, from being little bit self-centred maybe, to becoming a mother where all your needs go to the baby and yours are absolutely secondary. And it is an interesting concept to grasp until you actually do it unless you are in that situation where you have a baby and you put everything first for them, I would have never understood that before.

And so when she's hungry or she's crying it doesn't matter if I ate or if I slept, you realise that everything has to happen for her. And it's actually - it's all positive. If it's not that I wouldn't ever resent the baby for that. It's something that mothers simply are willing to do and I have got such a newfound respect for motherhood. It's unbelievable.

I often compare it, even, to other challenges in my life when I was doing my PhD and people said that's difficult. It actually - motherhood is a far bigger challenge because it's unpredictable and it's charged with emotions and the emotional intensity is beyond control and it requires a lot of commitment. And it requires selflessness and these qualities, maybe are not naturally leading our character. In fact patience is certainly not one of my virtues but patience is one of the key characteristics a parent needs. And so she's teaching me, I think, to be a better person. And I see that when I can be myself with her, when I'm at home by myself and I can sing to her and I can say the maybe weirdest, funniest things but I'm absolutely 100 per cent myself and that is a quality that we often hide. So I think, she, in a way, brings the child out of me as well and it's nice, I enjoy that.

Parenthood has made me question whether I'm a patient person or an impatient person, because I'm both - very patient and you know, on lots of levels I'm a very patient person. But I also find that I'm quickly impatient and that that impatience quickly turns to anger and that's not something that I'd really exhibited much before. Because if I was feeling that way I would usually take myself away from the situation. I've not been a very confrontational person. I've never had a fight, I've never had a physical thing with anybody. And I'm really quite a passive person like that.

So it's brought out this kind of quick anger which I didn't realise was there, which is sometimes a bit scary I think that it's there. It's made me realise that there's a whole lot of love in there, which is a wonderful feeling. And the reward you know the love from my daughter is unconditional. There's an amazing love. Even after something's gone wrong, she's done something she shouldn't have done, you've told her off. You know, even then, it doesn't matter, there's always that unconditional love. That's amazing.

Many men say that they're not ready and I would say that is true but you cannot be ready until you're in it. So yes, my advice would be to anyone and has been to others, is that if you are keen, just get on with it. No point waiting until you're ready because you won't be. Do it. You will find yourself changing immensely and the other reason for getting on with it earlier is, the later you wait, the more trouble it is and the more significant that trouble becomes. So although I didn't want to become a father necessarily, I'm a better person for it and enjoy it.

It's easy to be selfish when you have nothing or no-one else to look out for and although I appreciated my selfishness, there was no reason to change - not me nor my friends, we were - when I say selfish, not selfish necessarily to the point of being ostracised - but just selfish in a way that someone who doesn't have to look out for someone else is. And I don't think I've really given anyone the last jellybean out of the packet until he came along and these days, I call him the tax man because he takes 20 per cent of anything I eat actually before I get a chance but I don't mind. I think my parents were already at the age of 24, having children and I think many people that young who become parents find the rhythm of parenthood, perhaps, easier to get into. You know, or in a rut, perhaps, on a certain track. Becoming a parent is the big change in your life but I think the change might be felt more greatly, as you become a parent later in life because you've already set yourself up in a certain manner. You're less able - less willing to change, and younger people more naturally inclined to take those changes. I was happy to make big changes in my life early and did, but they were changes that related to me and me alone. And so I made those changes - and then set a path and so becoming a parent requires a much less fixed view about many things. And I think it, being in my mid-30s when that happened meant that it was more jolting experience.

Once before the birth and then once for the birth, and then the intention was that I would go back over there and live with him in his country. And I think it's also been interesting to reflect on how becoming a parent really changes your ideas about what's - I was going to say what's possible and what's not possible, but even what's desirable and not desirable. I think there's definitely a sense of before you have kids that you're just invincible and you can do whatever and you'll work it all out and there's not the gravity and the reality.

Well, there's the reality because you're still living life, but it's very different, so I guess you also discover the support networks that you need that when you're a young, single person or even in a relationship, you don't really feel like you need those support networks.

But when you have a child, my experience was that, 'Oh, wow, I actually really want to be close to my family', and as I've started off by explaining, I've always been very close to my family, they've always been really important relationships, but I guess, without a child as a young, single person exploring the world, you don't feel as - they're in your heart, those relationships, but you can be a few thousand kilometres away, that's no problem. But when a kid comes along, I think it really changes that.

And she's brought my family together as well and well, most importantly, brought my mum and I closer together. We've had a fairly dynamic relationship over the years, but I guess - and as I've indicated earlier, I judged her quite harshly for some of the choices she's made in her life. But since having a baby, I've developed so much more compassion for her and I'm so much more grateful to her for everything that she provided for me. We now have I guess a different way of relating to one another. And she's brought out the best in both of my parents really. They just adore being grandparents and they've brought - she's brought everyone closer together just by being alive really, which has been wonderful. And has enriched my relationship with my partner too. It's certainly - we've certainly had our ups and downs, but I think we're united on more things than we are separated - whatever the opposite of united is. And she's forced us to get to know one another probably much quicker than we would have otherwise. So it's been totally worth it. I wouldn't - there's certainly maybe some things I'd do differently, but I wouldn't want to - I'd never go back and not do it. It's been worth every minute of it.

You know, where you are now, you take with - you have the past and the future right in your, right here, right now. Because you've got your mum, you've got your parents, you've got your families, you've got everything defines you from your past and the decisions that you make is what you are, what you're going to do in this present life determines the future.

And to have your own children, you realise that it's so important to raise your children up in a way that their innocence is not taken away from them. It will make you realise how grateful your parents have been to you when you were a baby and realise how much grief you caused your parents. Make you realise how important your parents are. Those are the lessons it taught me when I became a parent. Because I remember my parents, they always feel guilty whenever, when we hit rock bottom, they blame themselves and I say, "No, it's not your fault. It was my choice, it's not your choice", and I guess I will feel the same way too, it's the parent's fault, my fault. But it's choices that we make in life too, you know?

I just think of those who do not have any children. They might have partners but they live alone and they say to me that they don't want to have children. And I say to them, "But who's going to look after you when you get old?" That's how I see it. If I have children, at least, here I am nursing my own newborn baby. When I become old they will grow stronger and I'm the one who is frail and not be able to look after myself. At least I'll have someone to look after me.

I guess the biggest difference between the friendships I had before I was a mum and after is that I think motherhood's a great equaliser - what you find is that you make friends with people that before you probably wouldn't have run into and maybe, you wouldn't have necessarily clicked with if you were talking about work things or anything else, you'd quickly run out of conversation because you didn't have something in common. So at least what I've found is a lot of my friends were - would have similar interests to me in terms of what job they did or what sort of activities they were involved in.

And what has enriched me since becoming a mother is that you meet people from very different backgrounds with very different interests and you have that one thing in common and really, it doesn't matter what country you come from, you go through the same amount of - sorry the same sort of issues, situations, highs, lows and so on, so it's really enriched my life because I've met so many more different types of people and through that also have become far more - less judgemental and more understanding that different families work differently, learnt more about different culture. So it really has been fantastic in that point of view that I feel that I have not only more friends, but just a richer more authentic group of friends.