Family relationships become more important as people grow older. Some people related to their children more as adults and appreciated sharing similar beliefs, values and interests with them. Others appreciated their children and grandchildren becoming successful and quietly took some credit for the result of many years of parenting.
Family relationships become more important as people grow older. Some people related to their children more as adults and appreciated sharing similar beliefs, values and interests with them. Others appreciated their children and grandchildren becoming successful and quietly took some credit for the result of many years of parenting.
Lorna counts her family as the most important part of her life in her older years, along with her good health and mental capability.
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Well, of course, you know, if you’ve got family I mean that’s a positive thing you’ve done in your life, is having children. It’s one of the greatest things that’ll ever happen in my life was having that family. I mean here I’d be sitting, a funny old lady with nothing wouldn’t I if I didn’t have them, they’re always in your mind. I never bother them but they’re always there and as I said if I needed them they’d be here. That’s the rule in this family, you’re there. And so the positive thing of getting older is just gratefulness, I think that I’ve been blessed with reasonably good health. Not much good living old if you’re not well, if you’ve got things wrong with you. And the brain, that’s working, that’s the greatest blessing is having your wits about you and knowing, planning every day.
Hans’ daughter is his only remaining family and he credits her with keeping him alive.
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I had a few friends there but not that many. And some relatives they had died, and other people I wasn’t too keen on that. It made no difference because my main interest was my daughter, and because of her mother wasn’t a really good mother I felt sorry for my daughter all the time. And actually I live for her and I’m still helping her and it’s the only thing I do and nothing else interests me anymore.
So family for you is important, and your daughter’s important.
Yeah, but only my daughter. I’ve got no other family now. And my daughter, I do everything whenever I can for my daughter. So that’s my only interest and actually it keeps me alive. That’s true. So that’s how it is, yeah.
So can you tell me how that relationship between you and your daughter has changed as you’ve got older?
Well it hasn’t changed, no. It hasn’t. She is my daughter and that’s all it is. I mean time doesn’t come into it, no. No, time doesn’t come into it. She is my daughter and that’s it and I’m glad to be alive to look after her, that’s all it is and that’s my main project.
The increasing importance of family also applied to people’s relationship with their spouse. Being retired meant having more time together, and being able to do the things they had always wanted to do, such as travel (see Travel. Of equal importance, however, was maintaining their own interests as well as shared interests they could do as a couple (see Interests and activities).
Chris and his wife have shared activities, as well as individual pursuits, which he feels is vital to the success of their relationship.
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The essential thing in growing old together well is friendship. I think the basis of it all is being really good friends and wanting to, and enjoying doing things together. Not that you want to do everything together, I think you’ve got to have your own things that you do independently, that’s very important. I think if we were thrown together with nothing to do all day every day we’d probably get on each other’s nerves a bit, don’t know about that. But I think that we really enjoy doing things together but we also really enjoy doing other things that are not connected with each other as well as things that are connected. So I think you need a mix of being together and being separate but underpinning all of that you need to enjoy each other’s company and to be happy and comfortable with each other. We don’t feel the necessity to be constantly engaged in outside activities or going out or stuff like that. We’re really happy just to stay home and potter around.
It is important to lay the foundations all through your marriage that you become friends and you have that relationship that you’re happy with each other and that you sort out issues as you go along, you don’t let them fester and boil and harbour them, that you can do that. We are lucky because although probably temperamentally we’re a bit different, I think the important thing is having the same values, so we agree on the basic things very definitely.
Tonia and Michael have been married for over 70 years. They have become closer since they stopped work and could not live without each other.
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Tonia: We just became closer, because we used to work all the time. And now there is no work to do, and we spend all the time together. So we’ve become closer – that’s the only change.
Michael: That’s true. We’ve become more appreciative of each other. It is especially true about me. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t survive at all. I am not capable of taking caring of myself. I would have to go to a hostel. But thanks to her, we are still here together and still moving.
What about the future of your relationship? What, if, as you say, you would have to go to a hostel?
Michael: Well, of course, if she dies, then there is nothing to be done – I will have to go to a hostel. I am unable to live on my own. And also she will be lost without me. She might as well brave it out without me. I don’t think they will throw her out of here, so she will live on her own. Many single women live here like this. Their husbands are long gone, but they still live. But I can’t live without her. I am blind, in the first place. I am lame. I am deaf. I have many reasons against living on my own. This is how our story goes.
Having their partner often meant people were able to cope better with many aspects of growing older. People who were still in a long-term relationship noted the long history they had together. Spending many years together meant most couples had come to accept the idiosyncrasies of their partner and had worked out ways to resolve issues. It was particularly challenging for people who were caring for their ill spouse, or if they were ageing at a different rate or in a different way to their partner.
Marjorie’s husband developed health problems as he aged that had a profound impact on her life.
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Right. I mean, that is an issue. He is less able to do things. He’s not as fit as I am, he’s less able to do things. And when we travel, I have tailored my life to take into, his issues into consideration. And I initially, when it first started to happen, I was very quietly angry about that. But I have moved in the last year to be far more accepting of that. But it’s still a frustration for me at times that we can’t do things. I mean, they’re simple things like playing golf together, and when we’re travelling I make sure that we structure our travel to take into account his health issues. So we stay at one place for longer you know, got to make sure there’s no stairs or steps, all that sort of stuff. But I was very angry and I used to think I married this six foot five supremely fit footballer, and now it’s a very different thing. And I did find that very confronting, very difficult, and I was angry. There’ve been a number of health events over the last probably 10 years, which are to do with heart, Crohn’s disease, orthopaedic issues, mobility issues, circulation issues. Yeah, it got me down. And partly it was because, if I’m honest, he wasn’t able to acknowledge how it was affecting my life. You know, some people are very empathic and they’re saying [Marjorie], I’m sorry I’m going to be in hospital and off my feet for eight weeks, I know it’s going to affect you.’ He wasn’t able to do that. But I have reached a point of acceptance. I’m pleased about that.
Most people were happy just to have contact with their family, in whatever form it took; maintaining a good relationship did not necessarily require talking everyday or seeing each other often. Those who did not have their family close by appreciated regular contact by phone or email. Being able to use a computer and the internet was therefore a great help in staying in touch with family, particularly when people were housebound (see Technology).
Margaret has a good relationship with her children who do not live nearby. They communicate frequently, but not everyday.
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I have two gorgeous children who are both in the old horoscope things, Aries. Very independent so they’re not in the situation where they’re ringing all the time and I’m not ringing them, but our relationship’s great. So just even connecting on a text or sending an email, my daughter lives, so the two hours’ time difference throws things to be able to phone her when I want to phone her, no. She’s ready for, she wouldn’t be awake. So technology is great in that respect. Yeah, so phone and texting is fine. But we’re not just, we’re not a, I have another neighbour who it’s like, every day she sees or talks to her children and she’s even much older than myself, but that’s not who I am. I’ve got a good relationship with the kids.
Aboriginal participants spoke about the respect they received from their families and communities as they grew older. Their families looked after them, did things to help them out and learned from them. There was a sense of responsibility in being a leader in the community and the head of their family, and it was important they passed on this knowledge and leadership to the younger generation.
Elaine M’s children and grandchildren show her respect. She has a senior role in both Balanda (Western) and Yolngu (Aboriginal) society.
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Like I’m getting older and I’m more respect from my family, but sometimes they have to go over, not thinking about that I’m older, but they do respect me and they do look after me. For example at my house, my eldest son he does the cleaning and we depend on him all the time, even his kids and wife. But I’ll say “We have to help each other because this is our health, for good, for our health. We must clean up the house” even though I talk he obeys me or other children they obey me and they don’t overcome me or they don’t say “Who’s this person talking to me, like a boss or something,” no, they respect. They know who I am because they know I’m the elder. And Yolngu people here they don’t hit older people, especially woman or man but if they do they get into trouble or, the other thing they have biggest respect.
My role is – because in my way I have a highest role because they respect me because I work and they respect me because I have a higher role because I talk for them like in Balanda [white man’s] side or Yolngu side. I talk because my father was a leader, that side, this side is a leader for his law, for his culture. So they’re looking at me because my mother was a leader or number one, first daughter. So they put me, how will I say? They just respect me because I’ve got this important role in work side, Balanda side and also Yolngu side. Even though I have a biggest role for my mother clan I do lead the ceremony for my mother clan because one of the things that they call me and my other family, brothers or cousin sisters, we are Jungaya for the ceremony, and that’s the other reason why they respect me. They always listen to me, especially my family, my children.
Different meanings of ‘family’
Many people we spoke to described the wide and inclusive definition of ‘family’ they have now that they are older. Extended family can, for some people, be closer to them than immediate family; this was particularly the case where children had grown up, moved away and had their own families.
Jack’s brother-in-law died three weeks before the interview. Jack saw him regularly and they were very close.
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Well I miss him more than I miss probably one of my own family, he was so helpful to everybody. My niece, one of my nieces, she’s got a dog, the dog got sick, he used to run the dog up to the vet and all for her, you know anything they wanted doing, he had a ten seater van, like a people mover. He used to help everybody and everybody misses him. Now I’ve got nobody, I’ve got my nephew here, his partner helps me out a bit, she’s taken over the responsibility if anything happens to me, to contact my sister because my sister’s gone up to Shepparton.
Those who did not have a conventional family, or did not have them nearby, kept themselves busy in other ways, such as with their paid or voluntary work (see Volunteering). They also invested emotionally in friendships, or pets, who became like family (see Friends and community).
Gil’s pets, while not like human relationships, are nonetheless extremely important to him.
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I got plenty of opportunity to express that ability to love to my animals, but I acknowledge that the love that a human being receives and gives to an animal adult, be it chicken – would you believe I bond with my chickens? – is different, and we are blessed if we have that opportunity to love a dog, a cat, a chicken, maybe a fish. That’s different from human love, you know, the love between two human beings is different from the love that we get from owning a pet, and I’ve been blessed.
Those who did not have children acknowledged that there were ‘downsides’; some were particularly conscious of not overburdening friends who had families that were their first responsibility. However, not having children meant they avoided the drawbacks of parenthood, were more involved with other family members and friends and had more time to engage in their own activities.
Nora lee enjoys the children of her extended family members and friends. She enjoys her life not having any children of her own.
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I think it’s marvellous [laughter]. When all your friends sit there and whine – I mean, I’ve been doing this for a number of years. When they start whining and complaining about their children, I dance around and say I’m infertile, I don’t have to worry about that. I don’t have to deal with teenagers, I don’t have to deal with snot, I don’t have to deal with tears, I don’t have to deal with poopy night diapers. I’m like a grandma. I spend a couple of hours with them and I come home. I have a good night’s sleep. I don’t have to put up with all the shit. I love children. I love them at all ages. I love teenagers and I love them in their twenties. My niece came down and visited with me last Christmas. She’s 23. Normally, in her home, I would’ve just about killed her after two hours. But here, when she’s on my territory, we had a great time together. Now that she’s getting older and she’s not quite as ratty, we actually get along quite well. I could’ve drowned her when she was younger. So yeah, I don’t have any problems with it. I love – I like nice kids, and if the kids are bad, then I can step away and sort of see maybe what the problems are or something like this. But yeah, I think they’re fine. I don’t have a problem with it. I don’t – I think there was a time when I was trying to have children, that I was resentful of women that were having kids. But I’m not that way now. I think it’s really neat. All my friends’ kids are now growing up and getting married. I love going to weddings. Then they’re buying houses and they’re having babies. So the cycle is just starting itself all over again, which is really great.
Family often became important for practical reasons, particularly as people lost strength and mobility, or could no longer drive and became more housebound. Adult children and grandchildren were often called on to lend a hand, providing transport locally or help with the shopping, doing manual work around the house or helping with computers, TVs and other technology (see Technology).
Len can call on his sons to help him with tasks around the house that he now struggles to do.
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Well that’s it, you’ve got no one to do that for you if you’re on your own, and there are things that I can’t do at the moment and haven’t been able to do it for some time. But I’ve got three sons, I’m lucky enough to be able to ring up and say “come and get rid of this” or I got rid of a couple of TV’s “come and get rid of those, I can’t lift them” and they just rock in and they’re gone. They might sit down for five minutes, that’s probably enough – we’ve said enough by then. They’ve got girlfriends, they’re all nice. And I just live here on my own.
Family also played a crucial role in legal arrangements (such as having enduring power of attorney) and in their medical care. This was most often informal, such as an adult child accompanying them to medical appointments. Family could also be an important resource concerning medical history.
Nora lee has been keeping notes about her medical history and that of her family, for her own benefit and to pass on to her sister.
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But – you know, I will phone my mum’s sister in San Francisco, who is my – because my mum is dead and my dad’s dead and my mum’s brother is dead and everything. So she’s the only one that’s family that’s around. She has heart problems, she had blood pressure problems. So I keep in touch with her and find out what’s happening with her and stuff like this. But she’s 82, 83? She’s only given up walking just recently, mainly for spinal problems. So, you know, we don’t do too badly. So I try and figure out what’s going on in the family and I have a stack of notes.
Okay. So were keeping these notes helpful to you as well? Or was this intentionally done for your sister.
It was intentionally done for my sister, but it’s worked out really good. Like I talked about ulcerative colitis before – I had that in March 2006. So I’ve continued on and just sort of like – when was I sick and did I have colds and different things and stuff like this. So there are some years where I’ve been sick and other years where I haven’t been. And again, that’s like – I’ve found the last couple of years, I’ve been getting a lot more colds. More flues, because I have really weak lungs, so I get chest colds, I don’t get head colds. So, therefore, I’ve gone back to the naturopath and we’ve upped some of – like Immunocare and echinacea and just – on an ongoing basis to try and get my immune system back up again. But 2006 was the last time I was ever really, really sick and ended up in hospital. Again, pass on to my sister. If it helps her – might not. She’d probably do something totally different.
Adult children in particular were extremely important when a spouse passed away. They provided practical support at a highly traumatic time, assisting with things like funeral arrangements (see Death and dying: Sabihe). They also provided a special kind of emotional support as they too were grieving for the same significant person in their own lives. The death of a family member often strengthened the relationship with surviving family members (see Death and dying: Dot).
While many people spoke about all the help their families gave them, they were especially concerned not to be a burden on them. They emphasised how important it was to them that their children and grandchildren had their own lives to lead. Not wanting to be a burden informed many of the decisions they made about their lives, such as living arrangements and plans to remain independent for as long as possible.
Dolores gives her children their space and she intends to live on her own as she grows older.
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Have a good relationship with your family. Family is very important to me. I don’t want to follow my kids in everywhere and everything. I give them space. I will never want to live with my children. I live by myself, often people ask me “How can you live on your own?”, I say “Why not?’ I lock up in the night. I don’t have much in the house, what I don’t use I don’t keep here. So if somebody came inside this house to rob me, they will leave me something because there’s nothing they could take, they wouldn’t want to carry.
Activities with family
Activities with the family were highly valued. It was a way of keeping fit and active, as well as spending time with them. Grandchildren’s events in particular provided many opportunities to get out of the house and see new things, as well as to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives.
Barrie believes it is important to attend his grandchildren’s events, for their benefit and to participate in life.
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My granddaughter, she got into the featured artists things for the thing on Saturday. She enjoyed every minute of it. Because her big brother sort of tended to get most of the limelight, so it’s nice that she gets…”
So no doubt you enjoyed that a lot too, vicariously.
Oh yes. Yes. Yes. It was very…”It was particularly nice sitting next to my son-in-law and daughter, you know, who were bathing in the reflected glory of their…”But it was also nice because the people around us, they all had kids in it, and you could see when the lady sitting next to me, just sitting next to Helen [my wife], you could tell when her kids were there. I had no idea, there was mass of a thousand kids, but one of them was her kid because she was [laughs]. So yeah, that’s really nice. Those sorts of things. You could stay at home, I think, but then you miss a lot of things if you stay at home. I think you need to go and see those sorts of things. Participate. I mean, apart from anything else, it gives us something to talk about.
Two people we spoke to noted how difficult it was participating in extended family functions after their spouse had died. They felt that their spouse’s extended family (and also certain friends) were uncomfortable and uncertain about how to behave with them.
Brian E found that his wife’s friends and family members changed in their attitude towards him after she died.
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And it’s a good point for everybody that retires that where there is extended family, there’s always that grey area whether you’re going to be accepted. I found that when the wife was alive and we both went away, we went to a person’s place that she may have worked with and had good friendships throughout her life – well one of them was a lifetime friend. That was alright when we both went, but then when I went back to these special occasions to her cousin’s celebrations, the people that were just work friends – they’d changed.
And then also with some of the cousins that sort of …” I know had come up at one particular place that they said …” because we stopped at their place for ten days or whatever – we had clean rooms and things. Her girlfriend really looked after us very, very well. It was like going into a hotel. And then when I went back to that place to go – I came in the afternoon I think – and I was not challenged, but just asked, “Oh well, where are you going next?” and then the penny dropped, you know. It was alright that the two of us, that was fine when [my wife] was alive. But to be asked, “Oh do you want to stay the night?” or, you know, because we’re in a country town and out of South Australia, “Do you want to stay and then drive to South Australia across the border tomorrow?” That never came into vogue, you know. And I thanked the cousins, mentally, because they were extended family to me and I was welcomed. They sent me an invitation to one of the birthday parties and that and I could see the difference between the two. Obviously, they had a full family that were coming across to stay at their place so that didn’t enter my life. I knew that, alright, I made my own reservations to stay and then drive to the celebration. But the whole point was that they thought well enough of me being a part of their extended family, as well as me saying the same thing to them. I got an invitation to go to the event. So that’s something to be aware of.
Having grandchildren and great-grandchildren was, for most of the grandparents we spoke to, a wonderful part of being older. They described them as helping them maintain a sense of humour, teaching them the ways of the modern world and ‘keeping them young’. They found it was rather different to parenthood; they had less responsibility for grandchildren (although they often provided practical assistance) and were free to enjoy them and have fun. Being a great-grandparent was different again.
Elaine H finds there are differences in her roles as grandmother and great-grandmother.
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Well it changes from grandmother to great-grandmother because say my two daughters are grandmothers so I’m just another one but not the real one. I would imagine littlies look on the grandparents as grandparents and I’m an old grandma sort of, yeah. I mean they’re lovely and we’re close and all that but I think when you’re a nanna yourself it’s a little bit different to being a great nanna, sort of. I don’t know whether you understand what I mean.
How is it different?
It’s sort of…”I don’t know. I guess I’m not as close. I suppose that’s the only way I can describe it. I see a lot of them, the grandchildren make sure I see a lot of them, the littlies, and they call me nanna just the same and you do everything that you did for your grandchildren basically. It’s just somehow a little bit different, I don’t know how to describe it.
Maybe not as hands on?
Yeah probably not so much whereas you would babysit the grandchildren, well they’ve got their own grandmas now to babysit. But they come and see me and they’re really good and send me little letters and all that stuff. So quite a close family actually.
Some people found small children harder to deal with as they grew older. Standards of discipline have changed and the enthusiasm of little children could be difficult for people with decreasing strength, mobility and hearing and also for those with chronic conditions.
Merrilyn notes the intergenerational differences in the way children are disciplined.
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The hardest part is how I would have dealt with it as a younger person, politically correct, sort of thing. Twenty years ago you could have smacked a child and got away with it. Now you can’t. It’s – I think the government’s got a lot to answer for in that respect and it doesn’t matter what party they come from.
How has it been for you, having grandchildren with these changing ideas about how children should be raised?
I suppose I’m probably a product of my generation, brought up during the war, just after the war. There weren’t the freedoms. There wasn’t the technology.
Aboriginal participants, both men and women, talked about the responsibility they had for their grandchildren. Being the head of the family and responsible for guiding and disciplining younger family members could be extremely challenging at times.
Oscar finds the responsibility of being head of the family an important but onerous task.
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Grandfather is really difficult. I’ve got a lot of grandsons, and it’s really difficult sometimes, you know. To go there and tell them what to do, don’t do that. “You make a lot of noise down there, oh hey, don’t do that”. It’s a really big job for a grandfather. And you have to know every one of those kids where they are, you know. Grandfather, as a grandfather, and you have to go and talk to their father or parents “Where’s so and so?”, “He’s not here”, “Well go and look around for them please” because grandfather is the head of the family.
Evolving family relationships
Family relationships evolved over time. Once children had grown up, moved out of home and had children of their own, they had a more adult-like relationship. Thus, many people felt they were closer to their adult children than they ever had been. Others felt they had drifted away.
Kaye reflects on the changing nature of her relationship with her children over the years and how she interacts with her grandchildren.
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When the children leave home they in turn have their own lives so consequently the family per se, it changes. Because once again this need bit has gone. You’ve brought your children to an age whereby they make their own lives and then you in turn have to make your life and you have to work out what you want in life.
And my family they then, they went out. They went on holidays, they did overseas travel, they did all these sort of things and then they got married. Once they have their own lives you’re not as big a part of their life as you were before. But then when the family comes along that’s when you start and you’re needed again because your experiences in your life then teach them or they ask you. And you teach them and you’re able to spend time with the children when they are little and you teach them different things. You can teach them things that their parents maybe don’t have time for. You can read to them. You interact with them, you play with them. I mean I play football with my seven year old grandson and he thinks it’s the best thing since sliced bread. Nanny please play football with me and this is wonderful because you’re teaching them, but you’re also enjoying them.
The passage of time did not mean a closer relationship for
Gil and the children in his extended family. Instead, they drifted apart and he felt more pressure on his relationship with his partner.
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And I think one thing I miss about my relationship with my partner of 39 years is that we, unlike the heterosexual marriage, like my own brothers and sisters, they married, they’ve got children, they’ve got grandchildren, and these cousins and nieces, and they support their marriage. That’s the familiar group, that they can keep one another going as grandma and grandpa, and they visit them, and so they’ve got a network of family to help maintain their relationship, and we won’t have an argument because we’ve got our grandchildren to bring up. So gay couples, I think, who often don’t have that family support and network around them, just being isolated with themselves, as some marriages are, it’s hard to maintain a relationship sometimes when you don’t have that little bit of social and familiar family network supporting your relationship.
Well I find it’s harder. We don’t see as many people to have over to our house and come and use our pool and socialise with, because…” At one stage in our lives when we were…”This home used to be the family Christmas venue, and every Christmas my family would walk down the stairs carrying boxes and pots and pans, and we’d all share Christmas under the Christmas tree, and I would dress up as Father Christmas. But since the family’s grown, and they’ve got now their own children and their own siblings, this practice has just stopped. And so maybe this Christmas it’ll just be my partner and I sitting home with cats, dogs and chickens. So that was partly…”kept us as family, that we were the venue that would host Christmas for everybody.
People found that having a more adult relationship with their children meant that their children were more likely to express their opinions and concerns about how their parents were living their lives. This was often welcome and accepted as their children showing that they care. However, adult children could also be patronising and overbearing.
Helen B’s daughter is concerned about certain aspects of how her mother lives, which Helen sometimes finds infuriating.
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Probably my own kids that are the worst, particularly my second eldest daughter who is a social worker. You know, she treats you like you’re past the pale and, you know, she knows everything best. Of course, after the episode with the orthopod who told me I was an old lady that didn’t need to be mobile, she roared the socks off me. I don’t know whether she was here at the time. She roared the socks off me. “You never go to those doctors without somebody with you”.
A number of people also felt this kind of patronising attitude from other family members. It was often understandable from teenagers and could be amusing from children; but from adults it was more difficult to accept.
Marjorie feels that her extended family have treated her as an ‘old person’ and have shown little curiosity in her career or other pursuits.
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My husband is the oldest of nine children so, as you can imagine, there is a big extended family, huge extended family. And so there’s the eight brothers and sisters, and then there’s the many multiplies of grandchildren and great-grandchildren and all that. So at family gatherings, of which there is several every year, I would say – and what’s really interesting, and it was true of [my husband]’s mother and also the rest of his family – they have never really asked me anything about my career. His mother knew I was a teacher, and until the day she died she thought I was a teacher. She didn’t ever ask me. And so his family don’t know very much about my working life, or anything like that. And I notice at family gatherings I am seen – it’s a bit of a joke, but there’s something. I’m the matriarch, you know? I’m the older woman who, you know, “sit down [Marjorie]”, “no, no, you don’t have to go and pour drinks, just sit down, just sit down”.
One of the primary advantages of being retired was having more time to spend with extended family and getting to know new family members by marriage or birth. For some people, this meant an exciting time of starting new family relationships, which was not always expected in their older years.
Nora lee has more time to visit and talk to her family overseas now that she is retired and no longer married.
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It’s unfortunate that my family is in Canada. So as I’ve gotten older, I’ve had a lot – especially after my divorce, I’ve had a lot more free time and a lot more money, so I can go and visit them a bit more often. I have a brother that lives in Sydney. I see him very rarely. His wife does not get along with me at all. We just – we clash all the time. So, unfortunately, I don’t get to see him as much as I’d like to. But, you know, it’s both sides of the street. I need to spend more time trying to get a hold of him. So yeah, we’ll work on that one. I love my family. I’m going back there again. I phone my sister at least once every three months and the same with [my aunt], just to find out – we email, we Facebook. So I always know what’s going on. That’s – Facebook has worked out really, really good for that. I’m only Facebook friends with all my family, so I know what the cousins are doing in the Dominican Republic, and I know what they’re doing in Calgary, and I know what they’re doing on Vancouver Island. So yeah, I try and keep in touch with them as much as I can. My brother’s the only one who lives around the corner that I don’t see very often.
Okay, so that close relationship you have with your family – has that developed because you’re getting older in some way? Has your ageing influenced that at all or is it pretty much how it’s always been?
It’s probably better now with my sister, because her kids have grown up. Because when I first came down here, you didn’t have the travel, you didn’t have the internet and phone calls were really expensive, and I’m not a letter writer. So it was kind of difficult to get in touch with people all the time and stuff like this. But if it was important or if there was an emergency, we did. As the years have gotten on, my sister’s kids have grown up, so she’s not as crazy busy. So we’re spending more time together, more time talking together.
Gil has recently spent time with extended family members he did not previously know well. They got along extremely well and he intends to invest in these new relationships.
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And a few weeks ago I went to Newcastle to sing with the choir, and I met my niece and her boyfriend of seven years, who’s Australian, and he’s married and he’s got two little girls that I met, and the way – They met me for lunch and the two little girls knew about me and they came and they embraced me and I just felt so warmed, and they came to see me sing at the concert at the town hall, at the Newcastle venue, and I stayed with them the night. So they’re little girls, and they’re gorgeous, and I just fell in love with them, and they fell in love with Uncle Gil. So I would see myself as I must make the effort now to see them, because they’re different from my Chinese nieces and nephews, who are all a bit frightened, I think, of Uncle Gil still and don’t know who he is. But the warmth of the Aussie relationships is something I would love to do, and have them down here and see the chickens and the cats and sleep downstairs in our flats. So that’s an extension now, of my effort to make that arrangement and get them to come down and stay over weekends and – there is a genuine, I believe, love between me and the girls. They were just so loving towards me, and saying how they enjoyed my company and my staying overnight with them, so that was – You know, you look for things like that, and I’m going to build up a future relationship now that I don’t have on my Chinese side and make an effort to embrace the two little girls and their side. So there’s lots of things to do.