Joanne

We weren't going out as much and we had a big holiday in [country name] actually, oh it was a bit crazy, and we came back from that and I went off the pill and [partner's name] and as I said before, had talked a couple of times, it would be nice to have a little baby. I went off the pill but not for that reason, just for a couple of months, so we shouldn't have been surprised that I got pregnant, a couple of times where we said to each other, 'Oops, gotta be careful here', but we weren't worried about it, so we had a bit of a laugh.

But I made the appointment with the doctor to get the pill again, go back on, and that was the appointment I used to confirm the pregnancy.

In [country name] we'd drunk a lot and everything and I'd been on the pill a long, long time and I just wanted my body to have a break from things. It wasn't a very clear decision, I'd run out of the pill and I just needed to go to the doctor so I just didn't make the appointment yet you know, I just was like, 'Oh, I'll not worry about it for a little while, I'll just make the appointment', and it was probably a couple of months.

And [partner's name] and I did use protection most of the time but there were a couple of times we didn't. And we were aware and that's what happened and in the morning I found out - when I did the test I was like, 'Oh, we really shouldn't be surprised'. So we just quite relaxed about it and it was probably about six weeks I think. I'd been drinking at the start of - I freaked out about that, I'd been drinking while I was pregnant without realising that I'd had a couple of nights out. I think most people have been through that. I think it was probably around six weeks.

So I gave birth at a public hospital and I did a shared care scheme before that during the pregnancy. So my doctor I saw more, [rather] than having to go to the hospital and that worked really well, I got with a really good system I felt. The hospital was always great when I went there. It freaked [partner's name] and I out though the first time we went for an appointment there, it's a massive waiting room full of big bellies and children running about. And we were just [laughs] sitting there, looking at each other going, 'Is this it? Is this what are we in for here?' And the kids that were running about - we were like, 'Oh god, they scream don't they, like they can be really annoying'. So it was good not to have to [laughs] go there too much, but in terms of the care it was good. And also I was happy with the hospital in terms of it being the main hospital in [city name] if anything went wrong.

I suppose at the time I didn't realise that it was such a big deal to have your partner there. He was great though, he took over, you know, he came in at every possible moment that he could. And he brought up a big massive wad of brie cheese, 'cause I hadn't been able to eat soft cheese throughout the pregnancy, he'd got it from [market name]. And it was nice to have him there when he was there and he felt it was hard for him to leave me at night because I cried a couple of times whenever he left 'cause it was a full night and I wasn't getting any sleep.

I've spoken to other new mums and I think lots of new mums talk about it and I think for my partner and I at the start it was very balanced because he was at home.

And he knew everything about how to look after our son, how to get him to sleep and we were in it and we really were in it together. I think as time has gone on, it's different for us - the balance has shifted because I've started studying as well, so my partner's the main breadwinner and previously - whenever we were in [country name] I was earning more money than my partner at the time and so that meant that things have always been really balanced for us I think.

And we were both always just you know, like lots of couples now - we're both working and bringing in money, and then whenever I decided to study that's made a difference in our relationship because, [partner's name] is supporting me you know, to do that. I'm working myself, but as well as much as I can but my priorities have to be [son's name] first off and studying second and work third.

For my partner work is the first priority so as time went on and [partner's name] started getting back to doing more work and freelancing, he's very busy even then you know, working nights and working weekends as well, so things gradually started getting back to - well not back but started to you know, I'm the primary carer for the baby and there have been times whenever that's been really marked and I've been unhappy about that because whenever it gets to the point where we've got a weekend and we're sharing the care, for [son's name] I'm in control - like I know what he's having for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I've got things in the freezer, I've made it, and it started to annoy me whenever I'd leave [son's name] with [partner's name] for a few hours, I get the phone call to say there's no dinner for him, well go make him some dinner, you know. And that was such a change from the start of parenthood together and [partner's name] has to ask much more - many more questions. And at this point it's a challenge because [partner's name] is so busy with work that I can't expect him to whenever he's got his time off to be 100 per cent devoted to the care of the baby. And I do have to take it up myself 'cause he's been busy but then I'm busy as well, and because he's busy makes me busy 'cause I've got [son's name] all by myself.

If we're at my partner's mum's house, [partner's name] mum and I take control of [son's name], [partner's name] sits back and watches the football and we take control, it's our son's dinner time, so we get it all organised and everything and that's not good at the minute - he lets us get on with it. But then that's partly me, I should be saying to him, get up off your lazy ass and come and help us [laughs]. I don't want to say that because he's been busy all week and he hasn't got a lazy ass [laughs].

I think that's a really different role and I think it's usually women who end up being the primary caregiver and who take control. I mean, you want to have control of your baby like you do - I want to know what he's eating, if I'm away from him for a couple of hours I want to know how many nappies have been changed and what he's ate, or how he got to sleep, how long it took him to get to sleep and my partner doesn't have that, he doesn't need to know all that because I'm in control but I think we need to probably share it a bit more.

The child and maternal health centre I accessed wasn't very good, they were also breastfeeding Nazis and didn't help me much when I went to them a couple of times whenever I was feeling very homesick it just happened to be whenever I had check-ups, I didn't go specifically for that reason... but whenever I had check-ups. And I was quite open one of the times and said, "I'm really struggling here because I miss my family", and they didn't give me anything back.

There was one time as well in the very early stages that I mentioned to one of the nurses that my partner had done a bottle for me overnight and I'd got a bit more of a sleep. And this nurse nearly fell off her chair saying that I was going to dry up, and not to make a habit of that.

So I think a better understanding from child maternal health nurses would help - a bit more warmth from them, like person skills - I told them I was having problems with [son's name] sleeping - she got on the computer or website, that www.raisingkids.net, which is a great website, I have been on it, it does have great advice. But the nurse would put the website up and show me where the sleep section was. That's never going to help me, [laughs] so I think it would have been good to have a more caring environment within that health service.

At the minute [partner's name] working so hard that I take it on, even though I'm busy as well and I do most of the cooking, [partner's name] always been a cleaner person than me - we've always shared that because he's definitely tidier than me and cleaner than me, he would clean the house, I've never had that worry before but just because our lives are just so busy at the minute it's starting to become an issue where we need to work that out. He doesn't cook anything, and I'm still needing to dish things up for [son's name], and keeping leftovers and I still have to take time for [our son's] dinner because he's still young and [partner's name] never has any part in that.

But it's just a really difficult one, he gets it all week, he's been home from work at 11 o'clock, 12 midnight sometimes - but yeah, that means I've had a really hard day as well 'cause I've come home from work, or from study for two days a week that I study, or I've had [son's name] all day, which is probably harder, and that five o'clock to seven o'clock time is really busy and if [son's name] doesn't settle well it can be really stressful as well. If I've had a night with him crying for 45 minutes before I can sit down - that is really stressful.

So we've both got stress in our lives so we do need to consider how we share that and we're not at the minute and I'm taking it on, I take control of it all. And going to the shops, I'm constantly in the supermarket, it's only one baby, [laughs] what's it going to be like with more than one?

I mean there was a beautiful feeling as well of him coming out...they put the baby on your chest, and he was kicking and kicking and kicking, that was the most amazing feeling 'cause all - I just thought, 'That is my little baby who's been inside me, those are the same kicks, those kicks are familiar, and now they're on the outside of me'. That was just beautiful, but to be honest that was probably the one positive part of it [laughs].

I mean on a positive note I didn't have any expectations of the - I didn't expect to feel so much love for a little person, I think I actually love him more every day and you know that phrase when somebody says 'You're so cute I could eat you up'? I actually felt that with [my son] where I have cuddled him and I've thought - 'I could consume you, you're so amazing'.

And I think that might be a natural mum thing because he was part of me at one stage, and just cuddle him so close to be part of me more. And that - I never expected to feel this love for a child.

But you don't really listen to people. And I think people as well, don't want to tell you the truth and that's something that I've decided - I tell the truth to people who are pregnant and ask me about my experience I'll tell them the truth, I'll say, "Labour was hell", and I'll say, "It was really hard those first few months", you know, I don't like that people cover that up or that they want to protect you.