Most men and women had messages to expecting and new parents based on what they had learned from their own experiences. Some offered general advice while others made recommendations based on their own situation and experience. Many questioned whether it was possible for someone who was not yet a parent to really understand what parenthood was like. A few thought people contemplating having a child should make the decision carefully because, as Sara L, a mother of two, said: 'Once you have it, you can't put it back, your life is forever changed'.
Many parents said they tended to ignore or 'not really listen' to advice offered to them before they became parents. Some men and women felt that more experienced parents were reluctant to share their reality of parenthood, wanting to 'protect' new or expecting parents. Others thought this was because their memories of early parenthood had faded. Frustrated by the lack of advice they received from other parents, some mothers and fathers were eager to share their experiences with new parents.
Joanne said she would tell expecting and new parents 'the truth' about her experiences of birth and early parenthood.
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But you don't really listen to people. And I think people as well, don't want to tell you the truth and that's something that I've decided - I tell the truth to people who are pregnant and ask me about my experience I'll tell them the truth, I'll say, "Labour was hell", and I'll say, "It was really hard those first few months", you know, I don't like that people cover that up or that they want to protect you.
General advice mothers and fathers had for new and expecting parents included the importance of asking for help when needed and maintaining social networks, looking after yourself as a parent, maintaining a sense of self beyond parenthood (especially for women), and being prepared for early parenthood to be challenging.
A number of parents, especially parents of twins or those lacking family support, talked about the importance of asking for and receiving help, whether from family members, friends, or paid help. A few women who said they struggled to ask for support, because they did not want to be seen as 'not coping' advised other parents not to 'be ashamed and ask for help'. Several mothers mentioned practical assistance with cooking or housework as very helpful.
Kirsty described how trying to be independent and self-reliant in early parenthood worked against her.
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It was pretty much me 24/7. Like at my own choosing really, having - I guess I've probably already indicated that I'm not great at asking for support. But I was just so determined that I was going to do it all on my own and I somehow managed to believe that I was all that my baby needed. And the same friend who I talked to about homebirth and that sort of thing - she is a big believer that it takes a village to raise a child. And when you look at human evolution, we all grew up in villages and that sort of thing. But for some reason I didn't believe that. I just thought that I could do it all on my own.
And that's just not the case. I've realised now that it does take a village. But I really gave it a good go of trying to do it on my own [laughs].
I've always been a pretty determined and tenacious person and I guess that's always got me through. Like you know, when I've travelled overseas on my own and lived in [country name] where I didn't speak the language and made that work, it was my independence and determination that got me through. So it's always yielded good results for me in my life, so I've probably just developed it further and further, by being reinforced for it. And it never occurred to me that that wouldn't work with a baby. I just thought I'll just do whatever has worked for me in the past and it will continue.
Jane, a mother of twins, said accepting help was as important for her children as it was for herself.
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And what works this week is most likely not going to work next week so you've got to be flexible and adapt. And it's not easy and you've also got to allow yourself to have meltdowns. You've got to allow yourself to acknowledge you can't cope all the time and that it is going to get overwhelming and the best piece of advice I was given - and it was by that twin mother at the school that I told you about before. She said, "If anyone offers to help, take them up on it because you will need it". And it's not my natural inclination to just accept help and when she said it and I would have been six months pregnant. I'm thinking, 'We'll manage; I don't need to do that'. But then you've got this little voice in your head that's got to keep reminding you, 'But it's not for you and if you want to punish yourself and not cope that's down to you. But this isn't for you this time, this is for other little people who really need you to be functioning and coping. And they need the best that you can give them and if the best you can give them is somebody else helping you, you've got to take that advice and you've got to take the help'. So every time I wanted to say, 'No', I'd be saying, "Thank you very much, I'll get back to you when I need you". And we did take up people on help when it was offered.
Because it's not offered often and you've really got to just remember that it's a society that raises a child. And you know that's why the child maternal nurse is there and that's why the hospitals are there and we're not out giving birth under a bush or something. It's a community that raises a child and you've got the biggest burden and the hardest job but if help's offered you have to take it.
Many parents strongly recommended new parents keep in touch with their social networks and not isolate themselves, referring to the saying, 'It takes a village to raise a child'. Some parents felt the 'village' had been lost and described various strategies for recreating this. Andrew, a stay-at-home father, said joining playgroup and kindergarten committees connected him and his children to the local community. Parenthood was easier for Beth after her second child because they moved from a rural property into a town where she could walk to shops and the library. This kept her 'sane'.
Tony said a large support network was important when his wife became very ill and he had to juggle work with looking after his baby and stepson.
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I maintained that support network and the friends and family around me to get through it and if I didn't have that I wouldn't have got through it. So I think my main advice is to maintain as big a support network as you can. Keep up the relationships you have with your friends and your family.
Because it's quite easy just to say it's all too hard and I'll just sit here by myself but I maintained that. I knew that on Wednesday I went and had dinner with my friend and he had kids and my kids played with them and you talk. And you talk through issues and things like that or don't talk about those issues. Forget about the issues. Talk about something completely different and be you know be a human being sort of thing rather than just someone who sits at home. So I found that very very good to do. Because I wouldn't have come out of it at the end I don't think without that.
A newcomer in her town,
Maree described her efforts to build a network of local mothers who could support each other.
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I think that that's also helped, finding your little village and a lot of people while I was having it, were saying, "Oh, a lot of this can be caused because we've lost our villages and we don't have that support network that we used to have back in the day". And so everyone feels alone and sad. And so now that I have the support I'm like, 'Yeah, I can totally see how this can help'. And so now I am trying to build a little village and here with some other mums I know. And I have also started up a lot of groups on Facebook for things - same parenting kind of ideals.
And then I also organise mama bakes with other mums but also organise if some other mum's having a hard time, that we make extra and we go and deliver it to that mum and things like that. Which is hard for my partner to comprehend because he's like, "You don't get anything from it, you get stressed out from it, from doing all this stuff". I was like, "Yeah, but it actually - even though I get stressed out from it, it makes me feel good and it fills my cup. And hopefully one day when I need it these people will band together and do it for me". So I think that's been really helpful, too. But I think that mostly online I found my big support group. But now that I'm making more friends here I'm hopefully building one here too.
Some women emphasised the importance of not 'losing' yourself in motherhood. As Sara L explained: 'I am a person, a scientist, as well as a mother. My children are a part of my life but being a mother doesn't define who I am'. Other women said it was important to look after yourself. Tina advised trying to exercise and 'do something nice for yourself' and Sarah M talked about realising that she needed to feel 'valuable in other ways' than being a mother after she had her third child.
Rumer talked about her concerns about 'disappearing' into motherhood.
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I started reading some stuff - because that was the other big part of it for me. I really hated a lot of the stuff about the sort of popular discourses around pregnancy and mothering and all that sort of thing and was determined not to be that sort of person who just disappears into motherhood and, you know, only refers to themselves as a mum all the time [laughs].
I just found that nauseating [laughs]. But it was hard to talk to many people about that, especially other people who had children, and once I'd sort of started reading a bit I found, 'Oh, there are other people out there that feel this way and have a more nuanced relationship with the whole thing'.
So - 'cause I had a couple of friends who had kids around the same time with me who were very into the whole being a mother thing. And I just felt it was hard for me to relate to them sort of thing. It just wasn't that interesting. But also over time I've found that now I reckon when people first have a baby you've got to give them a couple of years and at least until they have their second child before you can assess whether or not they're a lost cause [laughs].
'Cause I just remember as well the other cautionary tale I heard was from this friend, and she said to me, "I lost myself in being a mother and I just let that become the most important thing in my life. And then once my kids sort of got off to school I thought, 'Oh, what next?' Like it was always, you know, that next thing, and then I sort of had to find my own self again."
Which can either happen then. Or it can happen when your kids leave home or whatever. But, you know, at some point you're going to recede in importance in their life. And if you've tied everything up with them up until that point, it's going to be really hard to deal with.
Other mothers and fathers cautioned new parents to expect challenges in parenthood and stressed the need to be flexible. Luke advised other young fathers to take things 'one step at a time' and said 'trial and error works wonders'. Kirsty reflected that if she had her time again she would have told herself to 'just accept the way that parenthood is, because that's easier than trying to resist it'.
Parents had differing views about expert advice in books, on the internet or from health professionals. Joanne, a mother of one, said getting 'caught up' in information on the internet or in books could lead people to think what they were doing was 'wrong', while Jane was grateful for the extensive resources she found online about parenting twins. Others such as Nellie who practiced attachment parenting with her two children said it was important to 'find an authentic way of parenting which resonates with your personality and your values'.
Kate advised new parents to trust their instincts and not to be too hard on themselves.
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I think instinct is incredibly important and I sometimes feel that it's very easy to not listen to your own instinct when you're looking for expert advice or the book that tells you how to deal - I've read so many books on children and behaviour and sleep. Oh, God I've got a library full of books on sleep. I do know when my children have been really sick that it's been my instinct that kicks in that I listen to before - that that takes me to the doctor or the hospital and they say, "Yeah, you're right". And I think that it's the same with parenting for me. Sometimes there can be a little bit of, I find if I talk to other mums and I find it really useful, and I love that network of mums, it's great to talk to other people and listen to how they're dealing with themselves or their children. But sometimes it's good to just go with your instinct as well, do it your way. And I do think that it's important not to be too hard on yourself, I think I'm very hard on myself and I recognise my faults to the point where I forget about the bits that I'm doing well ...
Both men and women shared their own unique experiences of becoming parents. This included suggestions about when to start trying for a baby, returning to work, and coping with early parenthood as a migrant. Some parents who had experienced fertility problems advised not delaying having children too long, including French who had ended up adopting, and Simon who had only been able to have one child.
Simon advised men that waiting until they were ready to have children was 'foolish'.
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Many men say that they're not ready and I would say that that is true but you cannot be ready until you're in it. That there is nothing you can do to get ready, or at least to be truly ready, it is an experience that just has to be tried. And you'll work it out as you go along. So to wait until you're ready is foolish. We waited a long time not because we were waiting for the right time but because we were enjoying our extended youth. But we have paid for that extended youth now by being able only to have one child.
So yes, my advice would be to anyone and has been to others, is that if you are keen, just get on with it. No point waiting until you're ready because you won't be. Do it. You will find yourself changing immensely and the other reason for getting on with it earlier is the later you wait, the more trouble it is and the more significant that trouble becomes. So, although I didn't want to become a father necessarily, I'm a better person for it and enjoy it.
I can see why people want to have more children because I see him getting older and I sometimes look back wistfully on things only six months ago. He's only young, he's four. Often those feelings will continue as they get older - as he gets older. Well, we have nothing to compare him to either. It would be nice if there were other children. I have two sisters. My wife has a brother and two sisters. I guess we assumed that we would have more than one child too. But it hasn't come to pass like that and, as I say, I can't just look on that with regret or be happy and thankful that we are parents to one at least.
The impact of early parenthood on a woman's career was discussed by several mothers, in terms of their adjustment to both parenthood and career. Nellie described warning pregnant colleagues that babies were often less 'portable' than people realised, while Rumer said accepting some casual work when her baby was four months was a mistake because her 'brain just wasn't really up to it'.
Georgia talked about advising 'career-orientated' pregnant women to understand that parenthood was very different from paid work.
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I think you know the more career-oriented you are I think the harder it is. Because things don't go your way. Even though we had two beautiful children, health wise or something things don't always go the way you planned or the way you think, 'Oh, I can modify a bit'. Sometimes you get a real curve ball, and that's not even compared to - other families have so much more of a stressful situation or so much more difficulty.
But I'm thinking, the more career. You want everything in a box, everything's labelled, everything should work, everything's this, everything's planned. And this just throws it all out. I just sort of look back now, and think if there's any advice I can give new mums, especially friends that are having children that are very career orientated, I just start throwing a little line in here or a little sentence in there. The last thing you want to do is be lectured at. But I thought just little things for them to start, just to have it in their heads, that maybe everything isn't going to be all so boxed when they have a child.
Several migrants from diverse language and cultural backgrounds offered advice on becoming parents in Australia. Tolai from Afghanistan advised parents to 'be strong' because it is hard to be separated from family back home, and Mishi from Pakistan said in situations of family violence, it was more important for mothers to look after their own wellbeing and that of their children than 'save' their marriage.
Ajay said moving to a new country was a big decision and presented many challenges but there were many sources of support.
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Don't give up, because I always say that those who are coming to a new country when they're refugees or even those other migrants, don't give up because moving to a new country is one of the biggest decisions you made. If you can make that decision and if you can complete - if you can achieve it, then the settlement is a small part of that and don't give up. This is the biggest decision in your life, moving away from your land, your culture, your language and I talk to many, many English people, many Aussie people and they are asking, "Oh no, I can't even imagine if you put me in China or in India, or in an Asian country where there is no English. I can't live even for one day". So I will tell the story to my client and they will - "So you don't be ashamed, this is a brave decision and you achieved it". So I say to them, "We are here to help you and you are in a safe country where a lot of people are here to help you, a good democratic supportive country". So most of the people can achieve their life goals. That's my experience.
Mishi advised other women in violent relationships to leave with their children.
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My advice if someone is in this situation, if some women suffer from domestic violence, from anywhere like Pakistan, India, Afghanistan in any country. It is important for them - you have to leave your husbands. It is good for their lives. It is not good to - because you are a human being. Our God will never say, "You must bear all these pains". We are human beings. We have a right to live - we have a right to survive like normal life. That's why it is important for you and your children's life - if your husband beat you and physically or verbally abuse you and your husbands are not good, it is important for every women I think. You will left their husbands.
Leave their husbands. It is good. Because we are a human being. Before when I lived with my ex-partner he treated me badly. At that time I thought, 'No, no, no, it is important for me to survive with this man and it is my responsibility to save my marriage life for my and for my daughter's life'. No it is not only women's responsibility to save our marriage life. It is important for men as well. Men and women are two wheels of the car. If one wheel is broken and is punctured - you will never drive the car you know?
It is important for women in every part of the world. If their in-laws and husbands treat them badly, for the women's parents to encourage their daughters, "Please leave your husbands". Don't say, "Please bear all the pains". It is not good for their mental health. Not only for the women's mental health but also for the kids' health, that's why. And my advice to the men and their parents. Please don't destroy your son's marriage life. Don't be jealous of your daughter-in-law, don't put poison in your son's mind and please be nice. Because we are human beings.
