A few fathers experienced depression or anxiety during a partner's pregnancy or in early parenthood. For some, prior experiences of depression or anxiety resurfaced during this period, though not all men with past experiences of depression went on to experience antenatal or postnatal depression. Men reflected on diverse reasons for their depression before and/or after their baby's birth. They also talked about support from partners, family and friends, and supporting partners who experienced perinatal depression or distress.
A few fathers experienced distress or depression while their partner was pregnant or during the early parenthood period, and gave varied reasons for their feelings. Some men identified adjusting to parenthood as the cause of their distress or depression. Fred, a father of two, experienced depression when his wife was pregnant with their second child while Andrew, a father of four, experienced difficulties adjusting from the role of 'breadwinner' to stay-at-home father.
Fred struggled with the idea of having a second child and was critical of the 'assumption' that fathers don't need help.
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I was not convinced about having a second child as much as my partner was, and then I came round to the idea of it and we conceived and it was, that was great, and everyone in the family felt comfortable about it. My daughter was very excited, I was very excited, but as it got closer to having the child it felt like I was getting closer and closer to a cliff and I was going to fall into the abyss.
I was scared stiff of having the second child. So it must have been tough, the first one. You know, there was lots of broken sleep there were lots of arguments because of whatever stress was happening, be it through work or at home. So yeah, it must have been tough.
And you know there's an assumption that a guy can get through this without any help. And yeah, I don't feel strong enough to be able to do that. I've broken down a number of times. And by that I mean lots of crying and thinking that, 'I can't do it and I don't have enough mental strength to get through the situation'. But being able to express that has been very, very useful.
Andrew talked about adjusting to being a stay-at-home dad, and having 'no dad time'.
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It's also trying at times. It certainly is easier to go to work than raise children [pause]. I've had to readjust my values too, and what I actually achieve in a day. I'm used to going to work and, you know, finishing X project in X amount of time. Whereas with children at home, you know, you try and clean the house and no sooner than you've started it's back to being how it was. So I've had to, from being a bit of an obsessive compulsive cleaner, I've had to learn to let go a bit.
I've never been - I've always been a black and white kind of person. So I've had to accept a lot of grey into my life as the children present [chuckles]. Yeah, and so I think, I think I've had, I know I have, and I've had it addressed. I've had a bit of depression associated with, with just me in general and what I normally would see as having a productive day, and how that's not achievable with children. And, and you've got to just try to change my mindset, on what is - you know, it's okay to, to not get much done as long as the kids are happy, and they're clothed and well fed.
And then I would say with, with the most recent bout of depression, it's, it was probably just after, yeah, three and a half years. I was looking after the children, as much as I love it and they're great, but I don't have anything that's me anymore. It's all for the children, you know, whether it's cooking, or, or, or whatever. There's no dad time. Even the lock on the toilet door doesn't seem to work anymore. So I don't get any moment's peace [laughs]. So yeah, it was kind of a hard to thing to deal with, with that, and to try and re-evaluate things. Like instead of being upset at the children all the time because they're not doing X, Y and Z, to understand that they are children and they're not going to do X, Y and Z until they're old enough, and ready enough, and you know, mentally competent enough to do that sort of stuff.
Other men described distressing situations beyond their control as contributing to postnatal distress or depression. Tony, a father of two, faced a sequence of stressful and upsetting events when he became a father for the second time. This included his baby being born with gastroschisis and his ex-partner having major health problems in the first year of their baby's life. These included postnatal depression, liver failure, and 'deep depression' for several months after a liver transplant. During this time Tony had to care for his newborn baby and older stepchild, support his partner, and continue working. Daniel, now a father of twin daughters, experienced grief and depression after his twin sons died, one at birth and the second several weeks later.
Daniel described how he felt after his twin sons died after being born at 26 weeks.
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We were a bit numb at the time, we decided - oh, I don't know, we, we were numb, a few months later I got pretty low you know, how those things can hit you later on. I just got pretty low and I just wanted to die. And we were - it was hard for us both to cope with it. You know, and, funnily enough, what we'd been through brought us closer together. But we were having some difficulties with dealing with it.
There wasn't - we went and saw this - we rang up SIDS and a counsellor from there came and visited us one day at home and there wasn't much they could do really, except listen. And then we did go and get some relationship counselling, one or two sessions as well 'cause we were kind of struggling with it all, how to cope with it and deal with it and that. And yeah, there was a time where I just wanted to die and kill myself. We got over that, somehow. Yeah, we got over that.
We, we both had anxiety depression issues in our lives before, so we were both at high, high risk of that. Perhaps I'm more expressive than he is when I get low. Oh, I can't remember what happened. I probably had some more medications, upped some medication to help a bit and we got through it. You know you just, you just get through it. It got better. It - you learn to accept it and it got better. That dark depression I had, in reaction to losing the boys, it did lift, with time, and it - I think being able to focus on the new pregnancy probably helped that and brought me out of my shell a bit there. Being able to focus on some hope, there I think, yeah, helped that a lot for me.
A few men described themselves as having 'always' been inclined to experience depression or sadness (see Experiences of depression and anxiety before becoming a parent). Fred said he'd 'always had periods of being melancholy and feeling down' while Andrew said he was 'a little morose most of the time'. Due to his and his partner's history of depression and anxiety, Daniel thought both he and his partner were 'at risk' of depression following the loss of their twins.
Several men discussed having to juggle work responsibilities with stress related to early parenthood and how this impacted on their ability to support their partners. Work stress was central to Fred's difficulties adjusting to parenthood. This was exacerbated by his wife reneging on their agreement that she would go back to work when their baby was six months old and Fred would become the primary carer. Having looked forward to this, Fred was very disappointed. Andrew felt that his busy job had meant his wife had to bear most of the work of caring for their twins single-handedly, which contributed to her experiencing postnatal depression.
Tony said having to 'go to work and do things' helped him through the first year of his baby's life when his partner had major health problems.
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She stayed in hospital for the next six months pretty much. She was in ICU for a month I think. She was in a coma for three weeks. They found her a liver but the night that they found her a liver she was supposed to have the operation in the morning she had a heart attack. So then they had to stabilise her until they could get another liver. So that took a week and within that week the chance of her dying - the doctor said she was basically going to die.
At this stage I had a very young baby at home so I was trying to look after her and it was very difficult at the time. So we lived at the hospital. I - my work gave me a month off, so I was at hospital every day. Luckily my sister at the time lived around the corner from the [hospital name] so I was living at her place. And then we'd go into the [hospital name] during the day, [sigh] feeding my daughter and changing her nappies and all that sort of thing in the hospital waiting room was interesting.
But yeah and because she was in a coma for so long she then had to learn to walk again so she had to go to rehab. So she was in rehab for three months. So all up she was in hospital for six months and then she came home and had all the associated depression issues and things like that with finding out she's got someone else's liver. And she's missed out on six months of her daughter by having that interaction with her daughter was very difficult for her to come to terms with.
So she had several more months of very deep depression. Not getting out bed, sleeping for weeks at a time, that sort of thing. And I spent all that time - I had a month off and then when I went back to work I went back to work part-time. So I would take my stepson and my daughter - take my stepson to school, take my daughter to a relative to look after for the day. Then I'd come home from work at three o'clock, pick him up, pick my daughter up and then we'd go and visit my partner for a few hours every day. So I did that for six months. That was very difficult because we live a long way from where the hospital was so it was like an hour in traffic, peak hour traffic, there and then an hour back every day. It was a nightmare.
Everyone was telling me there will come a time where you'll just fall in a heap in a foetal position and that was it but it hasn't come to that yet thank goodness. But I - the only time I've had a real breakdown I think was when my partner was getting ready to be transported to the [hospital name] from [hospital name]. And [ex partner's name] family was there and I rang up and got my sister to come and I was fine up until that. And then when I saw my sister I just broke down and I - yeah knowing that my partner's son would have lost both his parents within six months and her daughter would never see her mum again or ever that I couldn't cope with that and I just fell to bits.
Yeah but then you know I had the job to do so I got myself together and away I went. Yeah but I've had close family and friends. And I have bouts of self-doubt and depression. Because I've had depression before when my mum died and things like that but I try not to think about it.
I've had times when I don't want to get out of bed or I don't want to answer the phone and things like that. But you know I just - you have to get on, go to work and do things.
Support from family and friends was an important consideration for fathers who experienced perinatal or antenatal depression or distress. They were proactive about both recognising they were struggling with early parenthood, and asking for help or support from partners, family members or friends. After their twins died, Daniel was grateful for the support he received from his partner, as well as that they received as a couple from family members. This was especially so as he was aware that some men and women who become parents via surrogacy do not tell their families until well into the process for fear of negative reactions. Tony, a father of two, relied on family and friends to help him get through his wife's illness, hospitalisation and depression.
Fred recognised he needed to talk with his wife and other friends who were 'dads' when experiencing distress during his wife's second pregnancy.
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From my previous experience as a mental health worker, I started to spot warning signs that I needed to have some kind of communication. Because I think that the first step in anything - when you think that there's something going wrong with your head, because that's the first thing people spot, the first thing to do is to actually talk to people about it. So we've had a very open communication with my partner, and we've been able to talk a lot about the way that I've been feeling. I've also been quite lucky that I have quite a tight-knit group of male friends who are actually the parents of - my partner has a mum's group, so there's probably six mums who hang out every week with the kids, and they've all grown up together.
And the dads are actually, you know got a tight bond now. And without trying to scare the males into having sort of bonding and talking sessions, that's what we've been doing, and it's been really useful. Because it's not just me who's been going through this, there's been a couple of other guys who are in a similar situation of just stress, panic, fear, all of those sorts of things coming out into the open. I think it's the fear of the unknown, and wondering whether you can actually cope with having another child. There's always an assumption that a guy can cope with everything that's thrown at him and there's not so much availability for support networks.
Tony found the support he received from family and friends invaluable when his ex-partner was in hospital and undergoing rehabilitation after liver failure.
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Just maintain the support networks. See when all this this blew up I guess and my partner ended up in a psychiatric unit she - her family came and visited her and I guess were telling her things she didn't want to hear. As you know you need to get yourself sorted out and stop the substance abuse and she just attacked them. Eventually they left so she was left on her own. So she had no support network at all and that was devastating. But I maintained that support network and the friends and family around me to get through it and if I didn't have that I wouldn't have got through it. So I think my main advice is to maintain as big a support network as you can. Keep up the relationships you have with your friends and your family.
Because it's quite easy just to say it's all too hard and I'll just sit here by myself but I maintained that. I knew that on Wednesday I went and had dinner with my friend and he had kids and my kids played with them and yeah you talk. And you talk through issues and things like that or don't talk about those issues. Forget about the issues. Talk about something completely different and be you know be a human being sort of thing rather than just someone who sits at home. Yeah, so I found that very very good to do. Because I wouldn't have come out of it at the end I don't think without that.
And knowing I had people counting on me. You know like the kids to - and my work and things like that. Friends, family. The bigger support network I think the better and I had quite a large support network. And if I needed time away from the kids I could take the kids to family or friends and they'd look after them and you know I'd do things for myself. That sort of thing. Whereas if I didn't have that I would have been horrendous I think.
Tony and Andrew described supporting partners experiencing postnatal depression or distress, then went on to experience depression or distress themselves. Both men talked about the support they provided, as well as the impact their partner's postnatal depression had on their relationship. Andrew's partner's hospitalisation for postnatal depression gave him 'a deeper understanding of the problem' and he took a more active role in caring for their baby twins after she came home. However, things were more difficult for Tony. His partner's depression after the health problems she experienced following their baby's birth eventually began to affect the couple's children and led to their relationship breaking down. As Tony explained: 'I was expecting the good things to start happening [when she came home from hospital]. And it wasn't good. It was really, really bad. And it was hard. It was very hard to come to terms with. Because I was glad that she was home and we had the family together but she wasn't happy and I couldn't make her happy. So that was a very difficult time. A very difficult time'.
After
Andrew's wife was hospitalised for postnatal depression, he encouraged her to bottle feed their twins so he could the share the workload.
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And then when we finally got them home after another 10 weeks, yeah it was good to have the kids at home. I think my - I know my wife struggled with breastfeeding. And the whole stigma of, 'You're only a good mother if you, if you breastfeed'. And she stuck it out for quite a while. A good six months of twins with different cycles of their own. So no sooner than feeding one and getting it off to sleep, then the other one would wake up and you'd feed that one, and then the next one's woken up again.
So she had about six months of pretty much zero sleep before it started getting a bit dire at home. And she actually checked into a maternity psychiatric ward. And we got some help there. So - and it wasn't really until, that she made the decision to start bottle-feeding the kids, which was something that I encouraged her to do, because, you know, it was obviously something that I could do as a father to share the workload and make it easier. So it certainly improved after the stint in the maternal psych ward.
And then then bottle-feeding them, obviously bottle-feeding fills them up a lot more and they sleep a lot better. So it was only a matter of, I think six weeks after we got back from the ward, that the kids were sleeping through the night and everything was pretty much hunky dory.
